Mama Said, "There'll Be Days Like This..."

This entry is a bit late, post-Mother's Day and all, but I've had my mom on my mind that I felt like I needed to write about her. I was just telling my coworker about how I showed my mom my new tattoo and the reaction I got out of her, and how my mom has just become the coolest mom I know but it definitely took a lot of work to get to where our relationship is now.

My mom loves me to death, anyone and everyone who's met her or who's known me long enough will know that I am the apple of her eye (a little confident with these words, but 'tis true!) And the sweetest part of it all, is that she makes sure I know it. Ever since she and my dad divorced, she vowed to make me her priority and to raise me in a home that wasn't any different from a home with two parents. So in a sense, she gave me double the love..and I can't complain :) I was definitely spoiled, but I use this word with caution because people get the wrong idea from it. Yea, I'm my mom's only child and yea I could easily get anything because I'm all she has, but trust me things did not come as easy as I wanted.

Nonetheless, she was always there for me. Every parent-teacher conference, volleyball game, dance recital or competition, awards ceremony, field trip--even down to the places I didn't want her to be at, especially the mall days being a bopper and all. If you were my friend in middle school, you knew that it would be Nicole+Mom. And the funny thing was, I wasn't embarrassed to have her around. It was annoying at times and it got way more annoying in high school, but that's my mom for ya. She was my biggest fan and supporter, and I couldn't have expected anything less.

High school swung around and I swear it was as if we were arch enemies from a past life. It seemed as if everything I did was not ok in her book, not even breathing hahaha. I snuck around, lied to her, you know the normal teenage stuff. She had all my friends' contact info and sure enough if I didn't pick up my phone or return her call within 3.5 seconds, she had a search party out for me. Having a boyfriend was the hardest ordeal of my life (so if you were with me during these tough years, props to you for hanging in there!) I couldn't even go to a public school dance until my Sophomore year and I had to literally beg her and agree to be home at 11pm.

I finally started to gain a little breathing room when I moved away for college. Oddly enough, it was me calling her asking why she wasn't calling ME! It was a home away from home, and I enjoyed my freedom. The weekend visits became less and less and I started to stay in SF more often. If anything, it was what we needed. She started to see me as an adult and slowly let go of her grasp. But of course, I would always come crawling right back to her when I needed her.

I can't fully explain the special relationship I have with my mama, but all I know is that I am truly a reflection of her and her unconditional love. I wouldn't have it any other way. In retrospect, I can say that I've told myself that I would never turn out to be like her, but honestly I wouldn't mind now. I would be honored to be half the woman she is and I can only follow in her footsteps. She is a best friend, an amazing nurse, a great listener and teacher, a sassy frass if you cross her, someone who isn't afraid to speak her mind and heart; strong-willed, thoughtful, self-less, never forgets, will always dot her i's and cross her t's; above all, the best mom a daughter could ask for (of course I'm biased when I say this!).

So, thank you, Mom! Thank you for all the nagging, snooping & spying, lecturing, grounding, denying...but above all, I thank you most for nurturing, believing, cheering, guiding, loving. I wouldn't be who I am today and where I am today without everything you did to get me here. I'll admit it here finally, "You were right all along." I love you.

p.s. When I was little, I asked you if we would still be Mom and Nikki in Heaven, and I sure hope God remembers to reunite us cuz if not, I know you'll have a search party ready and God will definitely be hearing it from you ;)

Gravity

I've always hated the feeling you get when you're riding a roller coaster; that sick to your stomach feeling, especially anticipating it right before the ride takes a plunge. This feeling is the same one I encounter in my dreams, even though in reality I'm not in the act of falling. Strange how it can seem like the scariest, yet most exciting thrill ever. Why are we drawn to such emotions? Crazy humans. But, I'm guilty of this as well!

So, I remember reading something a couple years back about the common term people use when they first feel like they're in love--and they say that they're "falling." As if being in love is something one cannot control or choose, it just happens to fall onto their lap or they happened to stumble across it. Of course the book I read that addressed this issue was a Christian based book, so it obviously preached "responsible and mature" love and one that hasn't stemmed from infatuation. But where's the fun in all of that?! I like to think that when you're beginning to admit these feelings of affection, your world becomes something you don't recognize--even you, yourself, become someone you don't know. So, in a sense, falling is a pretty accurate way to put it! The best part of all of this falling business, is when it totally catches you off guard. I don't think one chooses to love someone, but I also don't think it magically happens overnight. It's a steady balance and when the light switch turns on, it's like an abrupt wake up call. Before you know it, you've lost total control. Another force is working beyond you and you're desperately trying to make it out on top.

Well, this is the real reason I was inspired to write this entry. I can't get enough of Beyonce's song, "Halo" and how powerful and emotional her lyrics are:

I swore I'd never fall again,
but this don't even feel like falling.
Gravity can't forget,
to pull me back to the ground again.

Listen to song in its entirety, I know you won't regret it. I'm not even a big fan of Beyonce, but her words speak louder to me and that's all that matters.

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

I wear my heart on my sleeve...I'm such a sucker for love! And it's funny cuz I've been burned so many times before, yet I still come back for more. Resilient much? More like stubborn! Or I just have way too much hope in fate and destiny and the idea that someone is truly out there for me, but it's just a matter of time and heartache and all the in betweens that come before finally meeting the right one. I've had my fair share of broken hearts (given and received), enough to last me a lifetime. It's amazing how I can still manage to offer my heart over and over again after all the repairs it's been through, but each time I'm starting to feel like maybe a part of me becomes a little more selfish? I'm not sure if this is a good thing..good for me cuz I've got myself covered, but bad for you if you're aiming to win me over. It's not like you haven't heard this all before--girl gets hurt, girl puts guard up, girl refuses to fall so easily, etc. I mean, it's not like I've totally written off love; just reread the first line of this post, will ya! I'm just more cautious now, but at a cost of course, because one cannot fully experience all of me just yet. It's gonna take a lot more than sweet talk and giving me butterflies for me to hand over my most prized possession! (I assure you the extra effort will be well spent, though)

But, if anything, I think out of all the things in the world, I'm probably the most optimistic about this aspect of life, even with all that I've gone through. Love has the power to bring things together, it strengthens and connects--it's everything--it's the underlying knot to how we live..why we live..and why I choose to love over and over again, without expectation and still with the knowledge that things may not always work in my favor.

So when people ask why I'm able to not care about certain things--the past (especially), who someone was in the past, who I was in the past--it's not that I don't care or mind it, (of course I care and of course it matters to an extent!) but I think I've slowly learned to just let it go. Who someone was in the past might not be who they are now and who they will be tomorrow. I know I'm not that person I was 5 years ago and I would hate to have someone else hold that against me. I've come to the conclusion that all I can do now is put in what I can give, and expect nothing in return--the rest will be up to fate or you. If someone decides to do me wrong or inflict more pain, oh well! What's the worst that can happen? It's already been done. I believe I've gone through hell and back again that I can take on whatever hurt could potentially come my way.

It's so cliche (here I go again) but live for today. Have you truly lived in the now? Don't preoccupy yourself with your past, her past, his past or our tomorrow, our future. The past is done and over with, you can't do anything about it now; and tomorrow will come in due time.
The important thing is to focus on what love can bring and not what it can take away. Obviously it has eaten at my heart numerous times, slowly eroding what was once whole. But the beauty of it all is that love, yet again, can pull through. It has the power to erase the hurt (or blind us? ;P) and give us the ability to come back for more, each time hungrier than ever--because each time we know that we are one step closer to finding what we are ultimately looking for.

So, happy seeking everybody! I wish you all the best in finding what you are looking for, and if you don't know what that is just yet, enjoy the journey while you're at it :)

p.s. What do you think of the design up there? In 2 days I'll have that permanently etched on me. So much for wearing my heart on my sleeve, literally!

Bipolarishness

I hadn't considered myself a negative person before but someone had called me out on it a while back and not only did I take a blow to the ego, but more significantly, a stab to the heart. It really hurt to hear it, but I'm sure it takes a lot to tell someone that in the first place so the feelings were mutual. Of course I was in denial. Who likes to know that the energy you're putting out is negative, when you feel like you're typically a positive person? Eh.

It's all in the state of mind. This is another thing I've been trying to attune myself to. Oftentimes we forget how we carry ourselves or we let the littlest thing bring us down, when all we need to do is reset and pick ourselves up. Easier said than done..or is it? Imagine! Just thinking it in your head, before even saying it, that today you are going to be happy. You've already made up your mind, plain and simple. It's funny cuz it's really that easy. It's amazing how powerful the human psyche is, so use it to your advantage and dictate how you will live out your day! For starters, try smiling randomly and/or towards a complete stranger. Chances are they'll smile back (or give you a "Do I know you?" face) and you have indirectly made their day that much better.

I know I should be taking my own advice, and I do for the most part. But some days, I am allowed to be human and fall under the "Leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you" category of irritable emotions, which is where I am right now. Ironic, huh? A bit bipolar..maybe?

Oh well, tomorrow is another day and another chance at making up my mind on being happy.

I Think I'm Ready...

I'm not much of a blogger...yet, that is! I feel like it's an acquired skill that one has to perfect, so bare with me as I get a feel for it.

Writing, in general, has never been my forte. I usually end up resorting to cliche quotes or one liners from an emo song to get a message/thought across (hence the "Listen with your heart.." or "I think I'm ready.." hahaha I'm already doing it! TWICE at that, and all before my first post is published). But really, I have so many thoughts and ideas and philosophies of my own (I promise!) that I SO wish I could write down and record but it never comes out right. It sounds right in my head, of course, but it's the verbalizing part where important things get lost in translation. It frustrates me when I just get it and I can't seem to share it with anyone else. It's like keeping a secret that you are dying to blurt out. I envy those who have the gift of putting thoughts to paper, for instance my friend Mariel. I could read her writings/posts/IMs all day. She just has that natural fluidity in her words--and she doesn't even have to work at it! Usually when I have something on my mind that I can't seem to let go of, she helps me think it through until I have an explanation I can finally live with.

So this dilemma has led me to the blogspot world. Honestly, writing in a diary/journal can put a strain on my wrist especially when thoughts are running 100mph, so I am totally in for a treat when I can type it all here! I'm sure no one really cares how I write things as long as it's written, but I tend to be a perfectionist ;) and I don't care if anyone reads this anyway!

Hello blogger, nice to finally meet you!

<3
Blogger Virgin (no longer after this post!)